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Huffman: Kaleb's Super Duper Lizard Fooler
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Huffman: Kaleb's Super Duper Lizard Fooler

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Huffman: Kaleb's Super Duper Lizard Fooler

Keith Huffman

Lizards are awful hard to catch.

Equipped with super swift reflexes, those reptilian ninjas can sense and thwart practically any ambush – dashing, dodging and climbing about before vanishing without a trace.

In fact, the only person I’ve ever known to have had faster reflexes was my great-grandfather, Henry Sanders. He proved this at a carnival once while taking on a challenge that consisted of the dropping of a short and slim aluminum rod. Folks were told to reach out and try to grab the rod as soon as it was released.

Most folks could grab it about midway. My grandfather could grasp the rod’s bottom end the very second it dropped.

Perhaps, back when he was a spunky kid during the Depression, my grandfather studied and mastered the ancient, cold-blooded art of Lizard Fu. If so, it not only accelerated his physical movements, but his temper, too.

Of course, mastering something as strenuous as Lizard Fu takes quite a bit of time, and my 6-year-old son, Kaleb, has far too many other things he’d like to do before school starts back. Still, he sure would like to mark “Catch a Goldang Lizard” off his Summer Bucket List.

That’s why he recently created the patent-pending Super Duper Lizard Fooler.

Filling a large bowl about three-quarters full of water, Kaleb strategically placed it in his mommy’s flower bed, right in the exact spot where a super-speedy lizard was last spotted getting a suntan. Afterward, Kaleb set a small woodblock afloat in the water.

This setup is genius.

Noting the summer heat, Kaleb hypothesized that a parched lizard will get to hankering for a refreshing drink. Upon climbing over the bowl’s rim, the parched lizard will not only discover an abundance of water, but a fun float to ride on.

Unable to resist, the parched and fun-seeking lizard will climb aboard and float out to the middle of the bowl, where he will sunbathe, enjoy some drinks and be merry… at least until it realizes the woodblock won’t float back to the rim, assuming Kaleb picked a cooperative woodblock.

Desperately wanting to escape, the panicking lizard will proceed to chug all the water so it can climb out. Only the shifty-eyed sucker won’t be able to climb out.

It’ll be waterlogged.

Now I’m waiting to see how long it will take Kaleb’s Super Duper Lizard Fooler to pull off its mission. If somehow it manages to backfire, I reckon there’s still enough summer left for Kaleb to sign up for a lesson or two of Lizard Fu.

Keith Huffman’s book, “The Portable Creek: Southern Nostalgia and Other Shenanigans,” is available to order from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Books-A-Million.

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The reason I recommend driving across as much of America as you can is that it challenges the stereotypes we form about people in other states, and also about ourselves. In the South, for example, we’re known as more conservative and religious, and also more friendly and slower-paced, and some of us view the North as liberal and godless, and also less friendly and more impatient.

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