Remember when a young father’s only role was to take snapshots of the new baby? In those days, a father pushing a baby carriage was the sign of a henpecked husband. Nowadays, it’s not unusual to spot a stroller-pushing papa heading toward the park.
But while some recent surveys show that as many as 30% of fathers are stay-at-home dads, other studies say that 40% of children in America live in a home without a father.
These statistics are way too confusing. This is all you need to know about daddies —You’re a dad if:
You get up in the middle of the night to go to the fridge and step on a Lego.
Your weekend to-do list is written in crayon.
You excuse yourself from an important meeting saying you have to go potty.
Your wife says, “Daddy” and you realize she isn’t talking about her father.
You roll over in the bed, and there’s a munchkin sucking her thumb.
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You call trains “choo-choos,” cows “moo-moos,” and hurt places “boo-boos.”
Your picks for “The Great Books of the Western World” are “Hop on Pop,” “The Pokey Little Puppy,” and “Go, Dog, Go.”
Your idea of an extended vacation is 30 uninterrupted minutes to read the newspaper.
Christmas Eve means staying up all night to assemble a bicycle.
You find a melted Snicker’s Bar in the glove compartment of the car.
The only songs you know all the words to are “The Wheels on the Bus” and “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.”
Your most exciting sports event of the year was when Bubby hit the wiffle ball over the fence.
You think of spaghetti, mashed potatoes, and Jell-O as finger foods.
You ask the waitress for purple jelly.
You turn to the man sitting next to you at a banquet and begin cutting up his meat.
Going out on the town means ice cream in the park.
Playing 18 holes of golf means Animal Safari Putt-Putt.
A horseback ride means you’re crawling around on the floor with a giggling toddler bouncing up and down on your back.
You go to a play to see a dancing cloud.
You’re the one who always feeds the dog you didn’t want.
You’ve spent an entire weekend putting together an “easy-to-assemble” swing set.
You spend more time on homework than you did when you were in school.
You find M&Ms, matchbox cars, dried up Play Doh, and Flintstone’s vitamins under the cushions of the couch.
You get a catcher’s mitt for your birthday.
Your white dress shirts all have spaghetti sauce stains.
Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.
If you identify with at least 15 of these, Happy Father’s Day!
Mary Belk lives in Auburn and writes a column for the Opelika-Auburn News.
